This Moment

My last morning in this swooping city, brisk in both temperature and speed. Thankfully, I have such a warm, supportive nest in the form of my best friend's apartment to house my thoughts, my worries, my search. These past few weeks have been full of questions and, though I hate to admit it, a bit of angst. New York has whipped me back into reality, asking questions of me I am not sure I know how to answer yet; making me feel an insecurity I have not felt in a long time. The absence of that poisonous sentiment was mostly due to the all-encompassing, warm chest inducing thought of my recent adventure, which I could look forward to, boast about and further plan out when life steps seemed fuzzy and uncertain. That done, I am pawing through my thoughts and my spirit to plant my next goals and figure out the best, most fertile path by which to arrive.

There are two tiers I am maneuvering at this point. Long term goals, which involve setting myself up to work and live anywhere, everywhere in this world. A long-standing dream that was confirmed for me in my charmed months of warm weather, economic favor and mobile freedom in Buenos Aires. Writing could afford such a lifestyle, but it's not an easy life. Intellectually and emotionally stimulating, the money-making turns it torturous, so I'm told. But it's still on my list for this year, and I have pledged to myself that I'll work to eliminate the fear of its pursuit.

And then there is the short-term, which is much more practical. The need to pay bills and re-ingratiate myself into the working world. My past two weeks here have been dominated by this. Following friendly leads, making cold calls, pulling together work samples, going on interviews. While I feel so incredibly grateful for the opportunities that have presented themselves, following the one that's popped would be a complete departure from what I have done, another exercise in starting over. And, as I approach 30, this seems less and less appealing to me. I would like to stay and continue to grow in the realm of art buying and photography. And, if I start over, I'd love for it to be in pursuit of writing. But, in this economy, should I just take anything? No matter its nature and how it relates to the bigger picture? Questions we have all asked ourselves at some point, I am sure.

In the end, I am fortunate. I must give thanks for it everyday, and remain open in the belief that the universe will align itself exactly as it should. That's how BA was born and made a reality, that's how my next steps will form and play out as well. So, instead of waking up today and worrying about money and strategy, I pledge to practice gratefulness, practice love, and live in and appreciate the moment. The latter is hard for me. But my first few weeks back, spent caressing the past or obsessively plotting the future, have left me stressed and empty. Living in the now is looking good.

What is the right now? The joys and comforts of this apartment on generous loan. Soothing bossa nova undulating from the old school sound system; Persian and Uzbeki rugs layered one over the other in dark, earthen maroons, burnt oranges and forest greens, brightened with azure, mustard and other smudges of rich color; a maze of dainty couches and stately armchairs in the style of 18th century France, covered with various tapestries from the East; Orisha gods frozen into bronze and stone statues; an entire wall of bookshelves weighed down ceiling to floor with knowledge; the NYT and a home-made cappuccino in hand.