More than expected...

A month since my last post and there's a lot o' DO-ing going on, some very unexpected, some painful, all rewarding.

I've broken up a relationship of 2 years that had gone stale, am making my new little 3rd fl brownstone apartment a home, continue to explore my place in the world of production and have planned a long-awaited trip to Greece via Barcelona for June/July. Yeees, mucho mucho está pasando.

If you knew me before this year of change you'd know that I've come a long way. In 2006 I played it safe to my own detriment - I could give you a million and six reasons why I hadn't or shouldn't try something. Or, worse, I would talk about all the things I wanted to DO but then never get around to actually DO-ing. It was fear that was running my world...that made me senselessly try to align my life with a man that didn't deserve me, that kept me in a job I was not happy with, that made me postpone travel b/c I was scared of going alone.

But something somewhere inside knew better and I started physically feeling the repercussions of my self-imposed stagnation. One morning at brunch with my ex, the shell of my body felt so tight I thought I was going to burst. It was like my insides were too big for the exterior layers I'd built up around it. It was my spirit kicking my skin, trying to wake me up to the farce of a happy existence I was trying to be content with. And so I started stripping. Not against the background of a slow jam with massage oil in my hand, not yet anyway, but I started removing the layers in my life that were suffocating me...that were making me feel like shit and preventing me from DO-ing what makes me happy.

Not all of the shedding has been expected. Though I now know my relationship was a dead weight on my soul, it was the last thing I thought would go. It was actually the stability I felt with him, whether genuine or perceived, that gave me the courage to quit my old job and relax, breathe and take steps towards professional happiness. It was in that relaxed state of writing, taking classes and just thinking that I found my first gig as a freelance producer. And I truly believe it was the fulfillment I’ve felt in this role that made me realize I deserve more in a relationship. Each shed layer has given me the courage to keep peeling to unforeseen depths. The inter-connectivity fascinates me and I can’t wait to see how and where the web continues to weave.

I started this blog out of the same anxious energy I felt that day at brunch, and out of a desire to stop talking and start DO-ing. 2007 is the year of turning fear into love for me. It’s certainly lived up to its name and it’s only May! Let’s see what’s to come…