Warnings

"In my dream I was there making dinner. And he brought home another woman. Ugly, less intelligent, less elegant than I. How silly they can be, even in dreams. I let the pot boil over, silently."

That's an excerpt from a dream I had last night, how vivid and frightening they have been lately. Or, should I say, revealing. Almost like warnings of what would happen if I let my current obsessions take precedence over my greater plans for the future. In this case, an obsession over a potentially budding relationship here in Brooklyn. A relationship with no future according to my dream.

I let the current almost rewrite the future right before I left for Spain 6 years ago. I thought of one million reasons why I should stay and not venture out into the world - a crush I had on Brown’s biggest playboy, the 9/11 attack and the idea that "Americans weren't safe anywhere but home." When even my mother, who loves to keep her babies near, told me I was talking nonsense, I knew I was inventing problems. And I sense myself performing a rendition of that ritual now, days before I leave for Buenos Aires. Not so extreme, and with the underlying knowledge that I am doing the right thing for my life, but I'm still having doubts.

What's the root of this questioning? Perhaps it's disbelief that, after almost 2 years of planning, this is actually going to happen? Disbelief that I've pulled it off responsibly? Worry that it was too easy and, therefore, when will the hard times roll in? Will they be nice, will I find a home, a job if I want one, will I find love? What balance should I strike between going with the flow and purposefully carving out an experience for myself? Ah, the Capricorn in me is forcing me to put some more meat around a plan I have allowed to be loose until now in order to avoid unmet expectations. I am trying to keep her at bay now still, but she's fierce and smart. And I have to admit the positive side of her interrogation - I am getting my act together.

But there is a negative side to the questioning, and I know its root is fear. Fear of letting go of what I've built here, fear of missing something good, and perhaps fear of leaving no trace of having existed at all. Like I said in a previous post, it's amazing how quickly I packed up and shipped out my entire life in one afternoon. And how my phone rings only once every three days. All signs that it's time to go. But the ease with which I've ushered myself out makes me look back and want to cling and re-root from time to time.

I recognize that these fears are unfounded and not a good enough reason to stay. Actually, they are all the more reason to go. Life has taught me that the things I’m most afraid of often turn out to be the most rewarding. So, I'll keep moving forward and embrace the change. And, while my dream last night was a bit disconcerting, thank my subconscious for warning me against changing the plan. Especially for a man ;)

Peace and have a blessed day.